::13::

How was your Friday the 13th?


Mine was eventful, to say the least.
(Also meaning I got a $55 parking ticket, fittingly)

::Rilakkuma Party!::

My friends at BUBBLEPUNCH kindly invited me to the Rilakkuma Weekend VIP Party held at Umamiburger in Hollywood!
Me and Lane decided to try and get to Umami Burger early so we could get the "free gift bags for the first 100 guests"! ...and HELLO, TRAFFIC. We got there closer to 7, but got lucky and got the gift bags! ...and WOW. Do not be fooled by the word "gift bag"(which usually only is a small bag with trinket or two) We got a bag full of SWAG! So many cute Rilakkuma goodies! (and some Mame goma ones too!)We even got a cute Rilakkuma T-shirt!




Soooo many people! It's always fun to look at all them beautiful and fashionable Angelinos strut out in! ...Couple cute lolitas, here and there. I was too lazy to go all out (also, too determined on stuffing myself with the delicious food there, and dismissing dress-up time) and went out in my snug Super Lovers dress. However, my new Iron Fist stilettos got a lot of compliments, which made me happy (="I'm glad I blew $40 on these!"). Someone was quite surprised when I told them I got them at Comic Con... Yes, that place is nerd mecca, but it also does provide a lot of cute/awesome/cool finds, too.

Why hello, Mr."Don't-feed-this-kid-booze" Xs! I see you have decided to accompany me to this party as well. (How I wanted to yell "But I'm legal in my own country!" when I saw the wall of delicious looking sake... and had to stare at Maya with eyes filled with envy as she enjoyed her raspberry sake...)


THE FOOD WAS SO YUMMY! I wasn't expecting this level of nom-noms! Especially when you're under 21, the only thing you look forward to at events is food (+desserts)... and socializing with people, too. This party definitely did not disappoint! The sliders were so scrumptious, I am convinced to go and visit Umami Burger again. I was quite upset when Gary Baseman (who happened to be sitting to the table next to us) took all the sliders that the waitress was bringing our way (or I would like to believe that she was). I even declared that I wasn't as big of a fan of his work anymore, after that incident. That's how yummy those sliders were!

After the party, we decided to hit up PINK'S HOT DOG since Lane was still hungry... I've never been there, after living in LA for 2 years. I finally went, and since the line was so long, I resumed with my crocheting. ...Fittingly, I ordered the Martha Stewart Dog, but was stuffed after 2 bites.

::Ode to the jewel toned girls::

"I SWEAR, IF I GOT A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME SOMEONE COMPLIMENTED MY HAIR OR ASKED ME HOW TO DYE IT, I WOULD BE RICH BY NOW."
-Me, shopping at Whole Foods, after hearing "I love you hair!" for the 5th time that day.

I am happy with my vodka peach orange mango concoction
with my colorist gloves as I prepare for routine hair maintenance.

I have a lot of respect for all those ladies out there with jewel-toned hair. [not saying I respect myself, but sometimes I amaze myself with how much effort I put into my hair... its allllll out of love, baby.]

Essential tricks of trade;
a) Foil. It's foil.
b) Developer. I use 30 for good measure.
c) Bleach packet. I use L'Oreal.
d) Bowl. I think I jacked it from my roommate.
e) Brush.
f) Petroleum Jelly. Fancy word for Vaseline.
Also, cheaper than Vaseline at CVS.

Instantly a lonely drunk when doing hair.
This drink was delicious.

And here I am at 3:10AM on a beautiful Saturday morning, waiting for my bleached and washed hair to dry up, so I can apply my hair dye and go to sleep.

My hair-dye soulmates.(Maybe not quite so for Manic Panic, however)
I do not know how I could possibly maintain vibrant jewel tones that actually last more than 1 wash except for Special Effects. Excuse it's horrible taste in type face, and not very impressive packaging design that gives an impression that this product is for GAWTH KIDS at Hot Topic who want "super non-conformist" hair colors, BUT THIS PRODUCT IS AMAZING.
If I ever become a good designer, the first packaging I will plead to redesign is that of Special Effects. I will gladly do it in exchange of some bottles of their products.

And here I am, 4:24 AM, head wrapped in foil and 2 layers of shower caps, waiting for the color to sink in well. Thorough the years of maintaining not-so-conforming hair colors, I found out one of the essential tricks of making color last longer is to leave the dye in as long as you can. And since the demi-permanent dyes I've recruited are vegetable-based, or safe to leave in your hair for long hours, I usually leave it in over night. (Unless I dye in the morning, stay home all day, and wash at night)

Close-up of my head, that looks like a space-station if anything.

It's not an easy job, and it takes more than enough time than I would wish, but in the end, its absolutely worth it.

::Emi love.s. Poketo::

EMi♥Poketo.

I have a weakness for a certain something. It's companies such as POKETO that have a ZAKKA (雑貨。trans. miscellaneous goods/sundries in Japanese. The term 「雑貨店」/zakka.ten(shop) refers to shops that sells random goods, sometimes practical, sometimes not.) Another unique Japanese term that cannot easily be translated by words, but its a "feel" that can be "felt" once you encounter it. I almost feels as if POKETO offers a zakka of "art", or translating art work into zakka, making it more accessible for everybody.

Poketo was founded by filmmaker, Ted Vadakan and graphic designer, Angie Myung (Two very sweet people I had the joy of encountering at Comic Con the last couple times I've been there!) in 2003, and is currently based in Los Angeles. Initially, through their project of creating limited-edition artist wallets, they made "art" that was "unaffordable" by the general public more accessible, ultimately fulfilling an average person's need for art. Through the years, POKETO has evolved into a company offering more and more art to the general public, through their items such as wallets, plates, T-shirts, stationary, and so on. Needless to say, POKETO was an innovator in offering an art-infused lifestyles.

...and how cannot I love them.
Their concept. Their motive. As well as everything they do. Giving up and coming artists a chance to be noticed, as well as collaborating with more well known artists so that the general public can have a chance to access "art" that usually cannot be purchased with their budget. Also, the whole idea of offering an "art lifestyle". How can I say no.


I first came across POKETO when one of my closest friends got me ⇧this adorable wallet as a gift. He told me that the girl on the wallet reminded him of me (My mother brushed it off with a "Pssshh as if! The only thing similar are your straight cut bangs!"...but I had an "Awwww" moment) and picked it up, thinking it would be a perfect gift. And it was. First, I adored the artwork, and second, I had never seen a wallet like this before (what happened to Japan having the zany crazy cool stuff?), and third, it reminded me of my friend, especially because we were a sea apart (back then) and I rarely got to see him. Needless to say, I almost went psycho when I thought I lost this wallet, and was relieved as soon as I discovered it in a side pocket of my school bag. Since I used the wallet to its full potential (more like, had too many cards inside the card pocket and sadly, the wallet started falling apart), I decided to let it retire. I still have this wallet inside a box of old memories that I keep in my dad's house back in Japan. This winter will be a good time to revisit it, and I will most likely bring it back home to LA with me.

TODAY::

I heard of POKETO's collection for Target (Oh Target how you love to collaborate with all my favorites, McQueen, Rodarte, Gaultier, and now THIS. I send kisses your way.) and nagged my roommate and friends to come to Target with me, using "I need to buy new notebooks for the new semester!!" (and yes, I still take my notes on paper, despite the fact I take my MacBook with me everywhere I go) as an excuse. Keeping my fingers crossed that the POKETO items were there, despite their official release date being Aug. 10th. ...And TA-DA! There they were. A lot of items were sold out (I'm not surprised), and this was the last bird-bag left, so I snatched it before anyone else could lay their eyes on it. And what can I say, I'm a happy owner of another POKETO item, and now equipped with a fabulous new bag for school :)

::Fly Away, Honey.::

"I just felt like a shitty daughter, not even being able to be there for my mom when she needs me, when she needs me to be on her side. But I can't do it, I love them both equally, and I just can't take sides"

"I feel like a shitty daughter cause I'm not that pretty, straight, smart, good daughter that'll listen to her and be on her side. I'm probably everything she didn't want me to be."

"That's fine, you're doing the right thing."

"Sometimes the best way to show them you love them is moving away from them."

"...Then, she might finally notice something."

I have a tattoo on my left wrist. It's only 2 inches big or so, and is a stylized letter "G" I sketched one night when I was alone on my bed. It stands for many things, one being the first letter to the name of a musician I highly adore and respect, one being the first letter of the word one of my closest friend's described me as, a word I keep close to my heart.

But most importantly, it was my sign of rebelling against my parents, my mother is particular. In the past years, slowly but surely, I was starting to stand against my parents. Actually, it was more like my mother. In a sense, it almost felt like my father had become apathetic about us at this point, and couldn't care any more. He stopped commenting on my hair color, my dress, and what on Earth I was doing. My mother was always the more nagging one, sighing in disbelief as she saw the piercings on my ears increasing, and became enraged at the fact that I "didn't inform" her that I was getting them done. I could not have argued if I was at an age where I couldn't be responsible with my own body. I am glad I didn't sneak into a studio at age, say, 13 or so, and getting something done I would regret in the near future. But I was at an age where I knew what the fuck I was doing, and what the fuck I would have to do if things went wrong. Little did she know that I used to have my lip pierced, and currently have 3 more "private" work that I wouldn't bother showing her in the first place. The septum became obvious and apparent, and she began her "I am in so much shock" reaction again. By this point, I had started numbing myself out of the whole situation. Here we go again. So? Yes? Oh really. Wow, I never knew I had to inform you about everything I do with myself. Oh, I'm such a horrific child I know, I should repent for my sins oh dear yes I should!

And under the needle I went.

As each time the needle entered my skin, and as the curves gracefully formed themselves upon my veins, I felt more and more liberated. The pain lulled me, the pain wasn't "pain" anymore. In a sense, this was my clumsy, awkward way of claiming my liberty. Effective or not, I do not know. But I can honestly say that I am proud that I took this move, for it has become one of the landmarks of my life.

And then, I felt more and more freed from the fears I was dragging from an early age.
All this time, I was keeping myself away from the breathing space I needed. All this time, I was concealing myself and dreaded the fact that I couldn't be someone I didn't want to be, but what she wanted me to be. As supporting as she was, she never truly accepted me for who I was, nor did she appreciate what I had been doing, not until there was a physical form of proof or verification. All those years she shunned me for "doodling around" magically disappeared as I brought home a certificate and small medal from my high school. All those years of her seeing me as "possibly a disgusting lesbian" dissolved as I brought home an attractive boyfriend. Little did she know that I still could love girls equally as I could love boys, and that I had no way of denying the fact that I was sexually attracted to women. I wasn't what she wanted me to be. Nor could I force myself to be some effigy she had created for me to emulate.
And all these years passed by, and I felt nothing change.
I still wasn't "perfect".

So here I am, after all these years, drawing a line between you and me.

::milk + honey.::

Bad relationships. ≠ Mistakes.
We all go through some at one point of our lives. And if you don't, you should consider yourself extremely lucky, fortunate, blessed, and everything else on the list. I can quite honestly admit that I've gone through a couple myself; including the stumbles within the good relationships I've had as well. But in all honesty, I am thankful that I have been strong enough to break off of relationships that started tumbling down. I've a had a number of people around me who were verbally/morally/physically abused by their significant other, yet didn't have the courage, conscience, strength, or what ever it takes to break away from vicious cycles such as abusive relationships.

What I've learned (in some cases, in the most difficult ways) in the past few years is that there is no way one can love another without loving themselves first. As narcissistic as this sounds, it's very true, too. As much as it sounds extremely easy to do so, it really isn't quite so. When it comes to myself, it took a good time for me to accept who I am. Quite frankly, even sometimes today, I have some difficulties accepting what I am. And sometimes I used to hide in the shadows of my significant other, simply because that was more comfortable than facing myself. Times have passed, I've learned my lessons, and most importantly, I am far more comfortable in my skin.

As I sat in the passenger seat of my friend's car, and spoke out my heart, I felt tears dripping down my face again. We've ran away from reality too long, and never spent the time we needed to spend to dissolve the knots that happened between us. In stead, I wanted out, and called it quits, before doing what had to be undone. Suddenly I felt as if the huge ditch that was between us being buried away. We kept running away from what we had to face just so we could be comfortable, and get on with life. Now with our hearts out, we could look each other in the eye and speak our true emotions. That was exactly what I was looking for.

::F.M. Doll::

I'm starting to receive photographs from the amazing Akif Hakan Celebi.
We had a shoot a couple weeks ago, and I was anxiously waiting for the outcome of our shoot. A good 19GB worth (!) of photos were taken that day, and he had told me I had done a good job.

And here they are.
I was lost for words when I first saw how the shots came out. I have been a fan of his work for some time now. And now here I was, becoming a part of his work. As weird as it seemed, I also felt very fulfilled and proud. And at the same time, I feel as if the girl in the photograph isn't me. The reason why I've been a fan of Akif's work is how he depicts girl in their own environment (=bedroom, specifically) and element, yet filters their "world" through his filter and creates a entirely new "world". When looking at the photographs, it almost feels as if the girls are luring you into their words, as if they are inviting you to be a part of their world. In some photos, the girls look so apathetic, so disconnected; yet, they speak so strongly to their audience.

And here I am.
Experiencing the role of the "girl" in the photograph, inside her element, safely inside her "world". And when people see it, what do they think? What do they feel? Do they get to have a "glimpse" of me, just like when I look at the other girls?

In a sense, I almost feel like I'm not the girl in this photograph.

::Beloved Yoko::

"Understand, Love, Forgive and Embrace."

The past six days of my life have been emotionally turbulent, ranging from insecurity, absolute happiness, emptiness, loneliness, detachment, clinging, ecstasy... At the same time, I almost feel as if I've been drained of every last tear drop I had.

::Comi-Con-Con!::

I've been in San Diego since Wednesday for... you know... COMIC CON!
...Needless to say I've been having loads, actually, too much fun.
















































































































































Today was the last day, and the last day of Comic Con always makes me kinda sad. It almost feels like summer is over, although I have a little more than a month of summer vacation left. Or rather, the fact that I have to leave San Diego and my amazing friends, that makes me a little sad.

Tonight:: Off to yakyuudori with Akirawwrrr!<3

::Cry Baby::

I'm often known as, or referred to, a more tough chick that can take anything and manage it pretty well. Or in more unfortunate cases, a callous, heartless bitch that doesn't give a fuck about other people. And I think I play that role pretty well. = I do a pretty good job acting and pretending as if everything is okay when things are pretty much going down the well. In all honesty, I feel like I'm the biggest cry baby ever. When I'm alone, and only when I'm in front of friends I can truly trust.

Today I saw one of my dear friends for the first time in a while (Fuck busy schedules). The whole time, although it was a matter of minutes, I was trying so hard to hold my tears back in. If I weren't in such a public place, I would probably started bawling like a crazy baby. There's been so many times I borrowed his shoulder and cried and cried and cried until I didn't have the energy to cry any more, and he'd tuck me into bed and wish me sweet dreams. For some reason that I can't specify, I feel as if I can break down all my walls and just let emotions take over, or rather, trust him as someone to lean on when I feel weak and miserable. I've come across too many people that take advantage of your weaknesses, that I don't allow myself to be "weak" in front of others. I almost feel as if my value would fall down drastically if I were to just allow myself to cry in front of other people. But it's different when I'm in front of the friends that I trust.

I should probably appreciate the fact that I have someone in my life that I can trust to such degree.



On a happier note, this is a cheesy yet heart warming song for me at the moment::

::Phone!Phone!::

I am horrible at picking up calls, returning missed calls, checking texts, and answering them. I hate owning a phone so much, that I never add minutes to my prepaid mobile phone. I know, it's horrible. And extremely unprofessional, depending on what.

That said...
I am also horrible at dealing with people that don't answer/return my calls and texts. I will hysterically keep on calling like a stalker, text non-stop, and worst case, I will e-mail you to tell you to pick up your phone. Yes, I couldn't argue if anyone wanted to label me as a stalker.

And currently I suffer from that problem. Comic Con is coming right up, and I can't get a hold of my friend in San Diego. This is horrible. I am going to cry, and my sacrificial pick-up-your-phone-god damnit dance is not working. At all.

::Now please, suck my dick.::

Regrets? I've had a few...
...I did, what I had to do!
...I did it myyyyy waaaaayyy!

I know Sid isn't responsible for the original but who cares (I certainly don't).
I can relate to and empathize with Sid's unbelievably horrible vocal skills and stage performance. (In other words, who could possibly suck so badly? No one. Now, that is what you call talent)

For the first time in years, I feel like I'm communicating "normally" with my dad, maybe taking the first steps of reestablishing a decent relationship as a father and a daughter for the first time in years. Ironically, this probably only happened due to my parents' divorce, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to handle my mother's blunder of emotions being thrown at my face. I know I'm selfish, and I should probably be the bigger person and understand what she's going through, and try to help her out. But at the same time, I have more than enough on my plate. I have enough emotions myself to process, I have enough thoughts that I have to organize, and most of all, I have so many things I have to accept as reality. A close friend of mine told me to be "understanding"; and I believe I've passed that stage. It was difficult, and it was definitely not the easiest things I've done. I know we're "family" no matter what, and that our "family" bond wasn't strong as I wished to be from the start, but now it almost feels like everything has shattered. Deep inside I felt like I was going to be able to handle my parents' divorce like I can over come a little pebble that trips me on the way to a bigger picture. Wrong. For all I know, maybe I'm being a little immature. I don't know. I tried talking to my dad about it, who knows, he might actually have a decent conversation with me, maybe not. It's all still up in the air. ...I'm just going to take a break with my mother though, yelling at each other on the phone is clearly not productive, nor do I want to fight over emails. It's just a huge crash of egos and "But I'm feeling this" "No listen to me, I'm feeling that" at the moment, and I've already had more than enough. I attempted to ask her to call me another time, but all she could do was yell right back at me, and I had no choice but to hang up. I couldn't take any more.




Most of the future tattoos I want at the moment are related to literature in one way or another. I am yet to embark on my "蜘蛛の糸" (Kumo no Ito, written by Akutagawa Ryunosuke)-inspired tattoo, and now I feel like a birdcage tattoo based on one of my favorite poems by William Blake is fitting to the situation that I'm in at the moment, as well as what I've been in the past couple years.


"How can the bird that is born for joy
Sit in a cage and sing?
How can a child when fears annoy
But droop his tender wing,
And forget his youthful spring?"
-"The Schoolboy", William Blake

Such a beautiful poem, and so inspiring. Blake is my favorite poet by far, and I have always been attracted to the image of a bird flying out of an birdcage. In a sense, in the past couple years, I have constantly been forcing myself out of my own cage; coming to Los Angeles was breaking away from my "cage" that was my home, ending a relationship that meant so much to me and brought so many positive changes to my life- that was a true escape from a "cage", and deciding to switch majors, that was in a sense, move from a "cage" as well.


I also adore anchor tattoos, and am trying to get my friend to tattoo one on me. It's going to be a homage to my hometown. <3

::BOW WOW WOW!::

After taking a good listen to the "Marie Antoinette" (dir. Sofia Coppola),
I have become a fan of BOW WOW WOW, Annabella Lwin in particular. I have never heard any girl at the age of 14 with a hysteric, sexy, sultry voice.






She's making me want to shave the sides of my head again. This is bad.
I also want to be clothed by Vivienne Westwood like Annabelle was. ...No?