::Beloved Yoko::

"Understand, Love, Forgive and Embrace."


The past six days of my life have been emotionally turbulent, ranging from insecurity, absolute happiness, emptiness, loneliness, detachment, clinging, ecstasy... At the same time, I almost feel as if I've been drained of every last tear drop I had.



I've been in San Diego since Wednesday for... you know... COMIC CON!
...Needless to say I've been having loads, actually, too much fun.

Today was the last day, and the last day of Comic Con always makes me kinda sad. It almost feels like summer is over, although I have a little more than a month of summer vacation left. Or rather, the fact that I have to leave San Diego and my amazing friends, that makes me a little sad.

Tonight:: Off to yakyuudori with Akirawwrrr!<3


::Cry Baby::

I'm often known as, or referred to, a more tough chick that can take anything and manage it pretty well. Or in more unfortunate cases, a callous, heartless bitch that doesn't give a fuck about other people. And I think I play that role pretty well. = I do a pretty good job acting and pretending as if everything is okay when things are pretty much going down the well. In all honesty, I feel like I'm the biggest cry baby ever. When I'm alone, and only when I'm in front of friends I can truly trust.

Today I saw one of my dear friends for the first time in a while (Fuck busy schedules). The whole time, although it was a matter of minutes, I was trying so hard to hold my tears back in. If I weren't in such a public place, I would probably started bawling like a crazy baby. There's been so many times I borrowed his shoulder and cried and cried and cried until I didn't have the energy to cry any more, and he'd tuck me into bed and wish me sweet dreams. For some reason that I can't specify, I feel as if I can break down all my walls and just let emotions take over, or rather, trust him as someone to lean on when I feel weak and miserable. I've come across too many people that take advantage of your weaknesses, that I don't allow myself to be "weak" in front of others. I almost feel as if my value would fall down drastically if I were to just allow myself to cry in front of other people. But it's different when I'm in front of the friends that I trust.

I should probably appreciate the fact that I have someone in my life that I can trust to such degree.

On a happier note, this is a cheesy yet heart warming song for me at the moment::



I am horrible at picking up calls, returning missed calls, checking texts, and answering them. I hate owning a phone so much, that I never add minutes to my prepaid mobile phone. I know, it's horrible. And extremely unprofessional, depending on what.

That said...
I am also horrible at dealing with people that don't answer/return my calls and texts. I will hysterically keep on calling like a stalker, text non-stop, and worst case, I will e-mail you to tell you to pick up your phone. Yes, I couldn't argue if anyone wanted to label me as a stalker.

And currently I suffer from that problem. Comic Con is coming right up, and I can't get a hold of my friend in San Diego. This is horrible. I am going to cry, and my sacrificial pick-up-your-phone-god damnit dance is not working. At all.


::Now please, suck my dick.::

Regrets? I've had a few...
...I did, what I had to do!
...I did it myyyyy waaaaayyy!

I know Sid isn't responsible for the original but who cares (I certainly don't).
I can relate to and empathize with Sid's unbelievably horrible vocal skills and stage performance. (In other words, who could possibly suck so badly? No one. Now, that is what you call talent)

For the first time in years, I feel like I'm communicating "normally" with my dad, maybe taking the first steps of reestablishing a decent relationship as a father and a daughter for the first time in years. Ironically, this probably only happened due to my parents' divorce, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to handle my mother's blunder of emotions being thrown at my face. I know I'm selfish, and I should probably be the bigger person and understand what she's going through, and try to help her out. But at the same time, I have more than enough on my plate. I have enough emotions myself to process, I have enough thoughts that I have to organize, and most of all, I have so many things I have to accept as reality. A close friend of mine told me to be "understanding"; and I believe I've passed that stage. It was difficult, and it was definitely not the easiest things I've done. I know we're "family" no matter what, and that our "family" bond wasn't strong as I wished to be from the start, but now it almost feels like everything has shattered. Deep inside I felt like I was going to be able to handle my parents' divorce like I can over come a little pebble that trips me on the way to a bigger picture. Wrong. For all I know, maybe I'm being a little immature. I don't know. I tried talking to my dad about it, who knows, he might actually have a decent conversation with me, maybe not. It's all still up in the air. ...I'm just going to take a break with my mother though, yelling at each other on the phone is clearly not productive, nor do I want to fight over emails. It's just a huge crash of egos and "But I'm feeling this" "No listen to me, I'm feeling that" at the moment, and I've already had more than enough. I attempted to ask her to call me another time, but all she could do was yell right back at me, and I had no choice but to hang up. I couldn't take any more.

Most of the future tattoos I want at the moment are related to literature in one way or another. I am yet to embark on my "蜘蛛の糸" (Kumo no Ito, written by Akutagawa Ryunosuke)-inspired tattoo, and now I feel like a birdcage tattoo based on one of my favorite poems by William Blake is fitting to the situation that I'm in at the moment, as well as what I've been in the past couple years.

"How can the bird that is born for joy
Sit in a cage and sing?
How can a child when fears annoy
But droop his tender wing,
And forget his youthful spring?"

-"The Schoolboy", William Blake

Such a beautiful poem, and so inspiring. Blake is my favorite poet by far, and I have always been attracted to the image of a bird flying out of an birdcage. In a sense, in the past couple years, I have constantly been forcing myself out of my own cage; coming to Los Angeles was breaking away from my "cage" that was my home, ending a relationship that meant so much to me and brought so many positive changes to my life- that was a true escape from a "cage", and deciding to switch majors, that was in a sense, move from a "cage" as well.

I also adore anchor tattoos, and am trying to get my friend to tattoo one on me. It's going to be a homage to my hometown. <3



After taking a good listen to the "Marie Antoinette" (dir. Sofia Coppola),
I have become a fan of BOW WOW WOW, Annabella Lwin in particular. I have never heard any girl at the age of 14 with a hysteric, sexy, sultry voice.

She's making me want to shave the sides of my head again. This is bad.
I also want to be clothed by Vivienne Westwood like Annabelle was. ...No?


::San Francisco::

I got back from my road trip to San Francisco [2 days earlier than expected].
I guess we got through everything we wanted to in a shorter time span than expected, so we wrapped things up, packed up, returned keys, and here I am, back in Angel City.


(l to r: Ian and Sho)
We get pulled over. A little past Valencia. What the hell. The boys got ticketed too. A great way to start a road trip.

Into the city!

Amazing art, every where you go.

After walking around SFMOCA for a while, I noticed that I've been wearing my Docs every where I go... They've traveled with me from Los Angeles, Paris, San Diego, Tokyo, Yokohama, and now San Francisco. My goal is to wear them to every place I travel. Hopefully London will be the next to add to my list!

Work by Bruce Nauman. (An excellent example of incorporating language into art)
I'm inspired to/interested in experimenting with neon lights now. Probably going to be $$$ to do, but possibly for some future project when $ and time isn't a problem.

Work by Louise Bourgeoise.
You are being missed.

I stayed in my family's home in Santa Rosa.
I haven't been there in 8 years, and things have changed a lot. My great-grandmother who lived there is no longer there, the kitchen and bathroom were completely remodeled, an additional guest house was built in the backyard, and places that I ventured in Santa Rosa seemed to be missing. Now that I wandered the place by car, I am impressed at the 12 year old me walking around that place by feet, finding this to occupy myself with. I got a little sentimental as I pulled out the family genealogy book and flipped the pages. The book was created in 1976, but my great-grandmother was editing it until the very end; my name was written in it as well as my cousin's, and she had notes and clippings attached on a lot of pages. I finally got to trace my family history, and knew where I came from. After I heard about my parents' divorce, I was feeling a little detached from my family, but now I know for sure that I need to keep my head up high.

I also scored this lovely little psychedelic dress from the 60s from a great vintage store in Haight and Ashbury. How I wished my bank account was overflowing so I could take all the amazing dresses I found back home with me. Buying this dress meant no decent meals for the last day I was there, and extra tight with money for going to Comic Con, but I couldn't care. ...Also, drindls are lovelier in real life!

Overall, I had a good time.
+Great cafes, great boutiques, great food (seafood!), and I got to trace back my roots.
However, I do feel that I could have gone with different people. More people with similar interests, or more people that don't mind driving to and from Santa Rosa (It's a boring old town and you have to pay the toll to get into SF, but I love that place. Ironically, it's the town where I purchased my first CD with a parental advisory sticker on it. It was the only Murderdolls CD, and I was 12 years old.) I really didn't have a good time walking into high end boutiques (with no clothes that I was interested in, or could afford), places that you could go to in LA (H&M, Starbucks, KidRobot... really?), eating at restaurants in Japantown (...so glad I didn't order any food at the second restaurant... everything was vile there), nor being at a dinner table with 2 of my friend's ex-girlfriends, as well as his current girlfriend (awkward vibes, woot woot)... The list could go on.
But maybe that's because of my tendency of thinking "I WANNA TRAVEL ALONE!". (My friend wanted to travel to Paris with me but I slapped the "Aw hell no next time I'm going I'm venturing on my own!" attitude...)

Now that I think about it, some parts of San Francisco reminded me of Paris... Needless to say, the city's added to the list of places-that-I-may-want-to-live-in-the-future.